Seth Jones Is A Top Defenseman Lol

Once upon a time, in Chicago, Illinois, there lived a hockey player named Seth Jones. Now, before you start thinking this is going to be a fairytale about a heroic defenseman saving the day, let me stop you right there. This is a tale of a man who, despite having a contract that could buy you a small country, has managed to make Chicagoans wish they could trade him for a bag of pucks and a half-eaten hotdog.
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Let's begin with the fact that Seth Jones is making more money than most of us could dream of, with an AAV of $9.5 million. You read that right, folks. This guy is making more in a year than most of us will see in our entire lifetimes. And what does he have to show for it? Well, a plus-minus that's so bad, it's almost impressive.

The last 3 seasons we've watched Seth Jones go -15 this year (HUGE IMPROVEMENT!), second from last with -38 in the 2022-23 and -38 for the 2021-22 season. Like eventually you have to play some defense man.

Now, for those of you who aren't hockey experts (which, let's be honest, is most of us), a player's plus-minus is a statistic that measures the goal differential when they're on the ice. A positive plus-minus means that the player's team scores more goals than they allow when he's playing. A negative plus-minus, on the other hand, means that the team allows more goals than they score when he's playing.

So, where does our dear friend Seth Jones stand in this statistic? Well, let's just say that if his plus-minus were a grade in school, he'd be failing. And not just failing, but failing so spectacularly that the teacher would call his parents and suggest he might be better off pursuing a career in underwater basket weaving.

But wait, it gets better. Not only is Seth Jones' plus-minus worse than a Netflix original movie, but he's also managed to accumulate these stats while playing on a team that's about as successful as a vegan at a barbecue. That's right, folks. Seth Jones is the cherry on top of the Blackhawks' dumpster fire of a season.

Now, I'm not saying that Seth Jones is the sole reason for the Blackhawks' woes. After all, a team is made up of more than one player. But when you're making more money than most of your teammates combined and your performance is more disappointing than a surprise party where no one shows up, you've got to take some responsibility.

Like for f*&k sake this guy is like a high-paid guest at a party nobody wants to attend anymore. With his contract being one of the biggest in the league, you'd think he'd be the life of the party. But alas, the Blackhawks' performance has been more like a sad trombone than a roaring crowd.

The Blackhawks' management must feel like they're playing a game of "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire," except every lifeline is a bad trade and the million dollars is Seth Jones' contract. And boy, do they need a lifeline right about now!

And let's not forget the fans! I just want to take a moment here to thank them. They're like the parents who keep showing up to their kid's soccer games, even though the kid keeps scoring own goals. They're there, cheering and hoping for a better season next year. Bless their hockey-loving hearts!
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Seth Jones performance as a Hawk has been more underwhelming than a vegan's cooking skills. So, the next time you're feeling down about your own life choices, just remember: at least you're not Seth Jones, the Blackhawks' money pit and the poster child for a terrible plus-minus.